No, really, this is fine.
I promise.
Seriously, going fine. No problem.
Ah, well, there is that. It is not actually going as I hoped it would. Or as I tried to have it go. Or even close to being right. In fact, come to think of it, I am really Frustrated, Incomplete, Nerve-wrecked and Exhausted that after all I wrestled with this, it is exactly, and only, what it is now.
So you see, it is FINE. And I wish it were great. Or perfect. Or fantastic. Or stellar.
And I truly appreciate you inquiring, and getting, that I was talking in a code I have created to hide that a lot of the time, things are not as they seem, and worse, that I suspect that you are actually not genuinely interested in what is going on for me, over here.
So I invite you, next time you hear me say FINE, to listen and see if perhaps I was using my code, and actually might be looking for a Friend In Need of Empathy.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Whoa! A blog. With an entry! I wonder if I should write it...?
So here I sit, a blank edit window in front of me, wondering what on earth is going to occur to me to put in here. And lo, stuff just starts pouring out. Wait, that is not stuff, that is just descriptive narrative of what is going on right now.
Oh, now wait a moment, is not that what a blog is supposed to be about - a dump of what is on my mind at the moment, pressing matters that I should offload so that it doesn't way on my mind any longer? And matters that perhaps might be worth preserving for future review or expansion.
I don't know - if my current, working philosophy is correct, nothing that ever happens to us, or occurs to us, is ever lost, and it is only our limited ability to access that has us think we have forgotten. In fact, forgetting may even be a survival mechanism to prevent us from getting totally stuck and paralyzed with an overload of dealing with the totality of our experiences.
On the other hand not having accurate recall is the cause of much suffering, as we repeat behaviour that we already know is non-ideal, at best, or destructive, at worst. Such behaviour cycles are basically patterns we create from events that occur to us, and when we create them, we are not conscious of doing so.
How can one distinguish events that occur and that are remembered between useful ones that will serve a purpose in the future, and constraining ones that will block your purpose in the future? Is there even a need to carry anything forward into our future from the past?
There are basic survival lessons that seem to dictate that there is a great deal of worth in knowing how to eat, speak, create shelter and look after your wellbeing. And I wouldn't argue that these memories and patterns of behaviour should be eliminated or repressed. But how can one selectively retain those useful patterns for future use, and shred those less than useful ones. By these I mean the ones like the one where I raised my hand in kindergarten because I knew the answer, only to suffer the laughter as I delivered a clunker, and I decided that I should never again raise my hand to supply an answer. A pattern just got created that I treat just like the key survival ones, yet it turns out that this particular one is actually NOT furthering my purpose in life.
(I suppose I should declare here that my purpose is not to hide out in a closed space, and not interacting with the world. If one's purpose was that, then this is actually a critical pattern to that purpose. But I digress, well, actually, not, but the whole matter of purpose is definitely going to have to wait for another time.)
The question is, how come I treat and store this useless pattern as if it was a real, critical survival one. I mean, I answer a question wrong, and my friends laughed at me. I am still going to be fed and sheltered and clothed and I will survive. I am not actually threatened. But universally, this experience does occur as a key survival one and will be treated as seriously as run away from a barking snarling dog that is on your heals.
I do think that the key is the threat aspect. We keep patterns that help us survive threats. So to me, there was an element of a threat in that situation in kindergarten - I perceived that the children laughing at me as a threat. And in a sense it was - not a threat against my physical self, but a threat against my self image, my ego, so to speak. I perceived my stature among my peers to have been injured by this action, so I treat it with the same weight as a real survival pattern. And, for that matter, had the situation occurred were I answered the question correctly and got a gold star from the teacher and my standing among my peers was boosted, I might have developed a tendency to make sure that I had better know the answer to all questions, and become a bookworm, or know-it-all.
It may well be that we have more patterns pertaining to our ego than to actual survival.
The question arises - is the survival of my ego essential to the survival of my self? Consider that ego survival is not essential.
Anyway, that seems to be another whole can of worms, that involves peeling apart how ego and purpose interact, and I want to leave that for another time. But in essence, a purpose that feeds ego will never be fulfilling. A purpose that is ego-less will be fulfilling. Therefore, a worthy purpose is one without ego, and thus patterns that support ego-survival are actually patterns that hinder fulfilling that purpose.
It boils down to the matter of threat survival. Patterns that actually serve your physical survival should be kept. Patterns that do not discarded. Recognizing which is which requires some training and development.
Oh, now wait a moment, is not that what a blog is supposed to be about - a dump of what is on my mind at the moment, pressing matters that I should offload so that it doesn't way on my mind any longer? And matters that perhaps might be worth preserving for future review or expansion.
I don't know - if my current, working philosophy is correct, nothing that ever happens to us, or occurs to us, is ever lost, and it is only our limited ability to access that has us think we have forgotten. In fact, forgetting may even be a survival mechanism to prevent us from getting totally stuck and paralyzed with an overload of dealing with the totality of our experiences.
On the other hand not having accurate recall is the cause of much suffering, as we repeat behaviour that we already know is non-ideal, at best, or destructive, at worst. Such behaviour cycles are basically patterns we create from events that occur to us, and when we create them, we are not conscious of doing so.
How can one distinguish events that occur and that are remembered between useful ones that will serve a purpose in the future, and constraining ones that will block your purpose in the future? Is there even a need to carry anything forward into our future from the past?
There are basic survival lessons that seem to dictate that there is a great deal of worth in knowing how to eat, speak, create shelter and look after your wellbeing. And I wouldn't argue that these memories and patterns of behaviour should be eliminated or repressed. But how can one selectively retain those useful patterns for future use, and shred those less than useful ones. By these I mean the ones like the one where I raised my hand in kindergarten because I knew the answer, only to suffer the laughter as I delivered a clunker, and I decided that I should never again raise my hand to supply an answer. A pattern just got created that I treat just like the key survival ones, yet it turns out that this particular one is actually NOT furthering my purpose in life.
(I suppose I should declare here that my purpose is not to hide out in a closed space, and not interacting with the world. If one's purpose was that, then this is actually a critical pattern to that purpose. But I digress, well, actually, not, but the whole matter of purpose is definitely going to have to wait for another time.)
The question is, how come I treat and store this useless pattern as if it was a real, critical survival one. I mean, I answer a question wrong, and my friends laughed at me. I am still going to be fed and sheltered and clothed and I will survive. I am not actually threatened. But universally, this experience does occur as a key survival one and will be treated as seriously as run away from a barking snarling dog that is on your heals.
I do think that the key is the threat aspect. We keep patterns that help us survive threats. So to me, there was an element of a threat in that situation in kindergarten - I perceived that the children laughing at me as a threat. And in a sense it was - not a threat against my physical self, but a threat against my self image, my ego, so to speak. I perceived my stature among my peers to have been injured by this action, so I treat it with the same weight as a real survival pattern. And, for that matter, had the situation occurred were I answered the question correctly and got a gold star from the teacher and my standing among my peers was boosted, I might have developed a tendency to make sure that I had better know the answer to all questions, and become a bookworm, or know-it-all.
It may well be that we have more patterns pertaining to our ego than to actual survival.
The question arises - is the survival of my ego essential to the survival of my self? Consider that ego survival is not essential.
Anyway, that seems to be another whole can of worms, that involves peeling apart how ego and purpose interact, and I want to leave that for another time. But in essence, a purpose that feeds ego will never be fulfilling. A purpose that is ego-less will be fulfilling. Therefore, a worthy purpose is one without ego, and thus patterns that support ego-survival are actually patterns that hinder fulfilling that purpose.
It boils down to the matter of threat survival. Patterns that actually serve your physical survival should be kept. Patterns that do not discarded. Recognizing which is which requires some training and development.
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